Job Thief

Foreword

This isn't very good. I just got seized by lesbian forces and wrote this. It has basically no editing, and I published it without thinking twice.

I will regret this tomorrow.

Enjoy! And my apologies.

-

"Stop right there!" Her torch was unsteady, casting its cone of light across the museum hall. The walls were cast in the shadows of the woman hanging above their newest exhibit: the Rhuesian Diamond.

Which was in the hands of the woman hovering above the case. The case which was now empty, with a hole in the side.

A museum robbery? Really? In today's day and age?

As her grip steadied, she got a good look at the hovering lady in the museum. Her brain filed away the facts about her appearance in a neat list, each line signed off with a flourish:

1. She wasn't, in fact, hovering: she was suspended by a line that extended upwards, into the skylight where a winch sat.
2. The woman had a cheshire grin framed by twin strands of black hair, the rest pulled back into a bun.
3. Her body language was lazy and languid, her pose relaxed. She was clutching the diamond to her chest, and did not look at all surprised to see a security guard.
4. The lady's body was clad in a bodysuit that was entirely too form-fitting, and was not helping Melinda's composure in any way.

As she stared at the burglar, the grin expanded on the woman's face. "Staring at you has been lovely," was carried to her ears by a low, smokey voice. "But I really do need to jet. Can't be here when the cops arrive!"

Melinda watched in helpless horror as the woman gave a tug on the line, effortlessly ascending toward the skylight. "Stop! You're under...," she called out, but her voice faltered as the thief blew her a kiss. Before Melinda could even blink, the thief was gone, leaving nothing but the faint sound of the winch echoing in the empty room.

-

They called her the Diamond Thief, which, honestly, was a bit lazy. Especially considering most of her heists had nothing to do with diamonds.

Melinda guessed that was due to the diamond being part of a high profile exhibit. The rest was artwork.

She had been unceremoniously fired after she failed to stop the Diamond Thief, which was frankly ridiculous. What the hell was she supposed to do to stop a woman hovering above her?

When they couldn't answer her, she grabbed her bag and left to apply to other jobs. Not like there was a lack of jobs for security guards now that they were on high alert.

It was on her sixth day at the Museum of Science where she got a surprise. She couldn't exactly call it an ugly surprise; the burglar was annoyingly attractive, even with a chunk of meteorite in her arms.

She already had a taser lined up with her flashlight, illuminating the thief. She was halfway through forming the demand to stop moving before she realized it was the same woman. The Diamond Thief had her eyes on a meteorite, for some godforsaken reason.

"Diamond Thief!" Melinda yelled, launching into a sprint. The thief spun, wobbling under the weight of the meteorite.

Her face broke out into a strained grin. "Oh, look, it's the pretty security guard again!" The thief nodded toward the exit, her grin widening. "Mind grabbing the door for me? My hands are full, and-"

The thief's face only had a fraction of a second to morph into shock before Melinda crashed headlong into her. The meteorite went flying as the two crashed into the floor, bodies entangled.

Fortunately for the thief, she did not smack her face into the linoleum of the museum floor.

Melinda was not so lucky, and the room swam as her head hit the floor. Time passed in a disconcerting wave as she heard the far-away sound of latex against waxed floor, then that same smokey voice uttering a curse.

She only heard the door opening before unconsciousness claimed her.

-

"Why didn't you use the taser? You know, the one we specifically issued for use on someone robbing the museum?"

Melinda couldn't find a good answer, and was unceremoniously booted out of the Museum of Science.

She dusted herself off, and left to find a new job.

-

A week later and another chase: "STOP! I'M TELLING YOU, STOP!"

Melinda panted, running as fast she could after the thief. No false warnings from the Diamond Thief are going to stop her from-

She didn't see the wet floor sign until she was finished watching the Diamond Thief leave through the window of the Museum of African History, with a tribal spear under her arm.

The wink she was given by the Diamond Thief did not contribute to her whipping her head around in any way.

-

Melinda had finally gotten the woman's arms behind her back. She was struggling wildly as Melinda searched for her handcuffs.

Five jobs, this lady had cost her. And she had finally gotten her. Her fingers closed around the handcuffs at her hip, finally. But before she could lock them in place, the world spun. Suddenly, it was Melinda’s wrists in the cuffs.

She rolled her body over to see her greatest enemy on this planet flick sweat off her face, pick up the Albert Einstein's priceless diary, and stroll out the front door of the Museum of history.

She was found shortly by another security guard, cursing the name of the Diamond Thief.

-

Melinda stared at her phone, showing a cheery $129.34 dollars in her checking account.

Only one way to handle this.

She pulled up the map program, and set it to the nearest bar.

-

Melinda stared down the glass of her IPA as she mumbled under her breath.

"I've worked at every damn museum in this city, I swear. Every time, a few days in, this fucking lady shows up and ruins it."

She raised her head to take another drink of the bitter beer. "This last time, she handcuffed me. At my job."

The bartender nodded solemnly, sliding her another glass.

"Of course I lost my job there too. I'm gonna have to apply to work as a security guard at a daycare, and she'll still show up to steal a kid or some shit."

Her vision was swimming. She had lost the plot some hours ago when she had shown up here, and it had only become more and more so as she got deeper into whatever the bar had on tap. She probably should've asked before demanding a glass.

A blur showed up to her left, and she turned an eye.

"Well, hello there. Rough night?" The voice was familiar, but she had worked at seven jobs in the last two months. She had watched so many training videos it was a shock that she still found new types of voices to listen to.

"Ha! Don't you know it, lady." She swallowed another mouthful of the beer. "No one comes to this bar unless they're having a bad night."

A soft chuckle floated out of the lady. "My night certainly wasn't great, but seeing you made it better."

Melinda rubbed her eyes, but the room didn't clear up. "I’m so deep in this pit, I’ll probably forget tonight. And trust me," she gestured to herself, "you don’t want this."

The lady hummed a tone. "Actually, I'd say wanting you is what got me here in the first place. My partner wasn’t exactly thrilled when they found out I was interested in someone else."

She snorted, a bubble rising in her throat. "That's the peak for me, causing the end of a relationship by getting wasted at a bar. So sorry, lady."

Melinda felt a hand on hers. "I can think of a way you could make it up to me."

A flush spread down her numbed system. Hell of a way to lighten up an evening.

-

Sunlight crept in through the window, and she snorted awake. A pounding headache broke through her tiredness, and a warm body stirred next to her.

She didn't remember getting some last night, but it looks like drunk-Melinda managed to pull something. She committed herself to giving drunk-her a raise, and let out a groan as she raised a hand to block the sun from entering her fragile eyes.

Melinda had a vortex of feelings inside her, but she opted for the easiest response.

"Morning, reason I can't hold down a job for more than a week," she groaned, rubbing her temples. "And the reason I probably won't make rent this month."