And oh my god, what does it even mean?
That you were the problem the whole time? That everything that happened, everything that you had a measurable part in can be blamed on you? That if only you had been a little better, a little stronger, a little more resilient in the face of odds that no one, no one this godforsaken green Earth should ever have to face, if you had just done a little more than you were capable of, that it would've turned out okay?
That's horseshit! You should have never been put in that position! No one, ever, should be put in a position where their choice to make or break, their ability to withstand crushing odds beyond anything seen thus far by man, alien, or combined has faced, determines how their life goes. There should always, always be an alternative.
But that's the fault! There always loopholes, cracks through which this falls through! And those who decry these measures, they say, well, if we can't prevent it entirely, there's no point to doing it at all! Their measure of success is perfection, which is a goal that has destroyed many and continue to destroy until the Earth is boiled by the expanding sun.
No one cares! No one, ever, alive or dead, has cared about your reasoning for doing what you did! Someone, somewhere, will always judge you by the sum total weight of your actions, rather than the reasoning! Because, god, people have different values.
Maybe, maybe their values suggested that it wasn't worth it. That whatever decision you made, god, maybe it wasn't worth it. Maybe they would've made a different decision. But that's them! That's them, and their conception of what they would've done! They have no way of knowing, the pressure, the sinking feeling in your gut that it is over, that nothing was worth the pain and loss you felt as you went through it. Your choice to cut and run, it was the only choice you had.
So why, why, why is it that the regret shows its head!? That if, you, somehow, had made a different decision, that if the storm of experiences and consequences you went through hadn't molded you into the person you are right now, that you would've chosen differently? What you would've been, if you had?
How do you even handle that regret? It has no meaning, it cannot resolve itself. The only impact it has on you is regret, and there's nothing further. How are you even to handle this? It's bullshit, what it is.
But that's the crux of it. There's no way you could've known, is there. That the choices you made would lead to the you that is now, the you that regrets those decisions. You did the best thing for yourself, at the time. Or maybe you didn't. Maybe you made a choice that harmed you in the long run, that turned you to the worse. Would you prefer a different you? One that isn't your size and shape? One that makes different decisions, that isn't the you that you know inside and out?
God. How were you supposed to know. You were so young. Nobody should have regrets from that young. Nobody should've been forced to make those decisions. Nobody. But you did. You had to. You had to make those decisions and stick by them. And for better or worse, that's who you are now. The person who made those decisions.
How do you live with it? Knowing you made those decisions, and knowing you are capable of it. How do you choose to move forward, knowing that? I don't understand. It astonishes me that you wake up in the morning and keep on going, keep on living through it, moving through the guilt.
I can't.